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  • Writer's pictureToni

Hiding From Who I Am

For 2020 and the best part of 2021 I have been deep in my own thoughts. Maternity leave, lockdowns and the restrictions placed upon us caused me to be stuck at home and to be truthful with you, I don’t usually do well when I’m not on the go. Before March, 2020 I worked 5-6 days of the week, ran my own business and was a mum on top of that. When COVID-19 hit I was literally like “Shit, how am I going to cope being stuck indoors, pregnant with two kids on my own (husband works away for the most) and no way of working?”, I honestly felt screwed.

The first few weeks felt like a holiday, which I’m sure most can agree with. Apart from being stuck inside, with the exception of our one walk a day, it was pretty fun. However, once the home learning started and the house felt like it was a riot 24/7 it began to take its toll on my mindset. I had consciously been working on having a more healthy, positive mindset for the 2 years before so I knew this was going to be a challenge. Also my kids, ages 3 and 7 at the time, didn’t know I was pregnant yet, so it was pretty difficult trying to hide my constant spewing and massive mood swings. It just felt like everything around me was shit. But, at the same time I was beginning to feel very grateful for the rest I was being made to take.

My work involved me travelling around schools in North Lanarkshire with 12 yoga mats and lots of props (heavy props), then jumping around like a bit of a looney teaching yoga and meditation to children. I didn’t realise how hard it would be to do all that while growing a baby inside me! So even though my business was just taking off and I absolutely loved what I was doing, when the first lockdown was put on us it actually really benefited me and my unborn baby. I’m a workaholic. I was just go, go, go! Everyone who knows me will tell you the same. But, during this time at home I began to think that maybe I kept busy so that I didn’t have to think about the real shit that was going on in my mind.

This was a time to dig deep, to unveil the things I was trying to suppress and to work on releasing what I found. Fuck me it’s been hard! We’re 14 months into it and I’m still battling with myself daily. I did have a lot on during all of this; a house sale, lots of complications finding a new home (fuck you Corona!), living back at home with my dad, the eventual purchase of a new house, a newborn baby via caesarean section and then right back into a 4 month lockdown with 3 children. However, in the midst of it all I did try my best to work on myself everyday, even if all I could manage was a few minutes. It got to a point that I would beat myself up for not journaling or not fitting in a meditation that day and I knew this was unhealthy. As soon as I would have that negative thought about myself I would catch it and flip it.

Being aware of these thoughts and questioning myself really helps. I can now have a little conversation with myself, just as I would if a friend came to me with the same problems that I’m facing, and get myself out of that spiralling downfall. I’m allowed to have these thoughts because they are completely normal and I personally believe they can be healthy at times. They allow us to grow. Growth is what has come out of the shit show year for me that we have just faced.

I have discovered that I enjoy writing. I really enjoy it. I thought I just liked giving advice because it’s something that I have always done, but it’s more than that. I love writing the advice to people! Sure speaking is fun, I love to talk as much as I love to write, but this part is what fills me with excitement. Even writing this paragraph I am sitting here with a big grin on my face. So, writing is what I am going to do. A friend said to me yesterday as I was swaying back and forth about what I want to do, “Why do you have to think about this as a career? Young Souls UK is your work, The Guidance Gal can be something that is for YOU! Yes share it with others, but do it for you, not anyone else.” and that really struck something within me. This is for me! A place for me to share what's going on in my life and more importantly in my mind. I hope that by writing it all on here at least one person reading it will get something from it, even if it’s just reassurance that I’m the same and just as crazy as you are! I’m not going to set a plan of what’s to come, what I’ll write about, etc. I’m trusting the process and allowing things to flow, as they should!

2020-2021 has given me a little snippet of who I am. I'm nowhere near discovering my entire true self, but I am happy to take my time to find her now.


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