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  • Writer's pictureToni

Rollercoaster Ride

Honestly, it was up, down, round and round then halt!

The beginning of the week started off great. I was feeling proud of Ayla for the filming she had just finished, happy that I finally had new windows and doors in the house, excited for the ‘Intuitive & Spiritual Development Workshop’ that Steph and I were going to be holding at the weekend and I had started coaching some clients again so a feeling of achievement was also there. Everything was fab, then boom, the energy changed!

It really does hit me like a tonne of bricks. No matter how good things are, if the collective energy is fried, so am I! The joys of being an empath eh? I ground and protect myself daily, but when it comes to the energy on the planet, it seems to overpower whatever I do. I think it was Thursday that I really began to feel it. Something happened with Ayla that I can’t really share on here as who knows who is reading this, very minor but the friendship dramas have basically begun at the age of 9. So that was fine, she had a wee bit of drama and disappointment, she handled it well and pushed on through. Great! Then out of nowhere comes this huge wave of guilt. This is all my fault! If I hadn’t made the decision to sell our house and move to another area would this be happening to her? The likelihood is no, but reflecting back now, I’m sure something else would be happening to her instead.

I went straight to my support, my Soul Sistas group chat and let it all out. I voice note the girls with exactly what was coming up in the moment. There was all sorts. I was digging in to my own shit because of what had just happened with Ayla. They helped me realise that she was repeating one of my cycles. I had been through the exact same thing as a child, but as Steph kindly pointed out, this is her own wee journey and she has to go through these things for her own growth. As shitty as that is as a parent that you can’t just make things disappear and be better, it’s the truth. But she was also mirroring something that I am currently going through, trying too hard to be liked and to fit in. I do it with everyone new that enters my life. I give them my complete attention and do whatever I think is going to make them like me, even if it’s not necessarily things I would normally do or the way I would usually act.

Looking back at primary and secondary school, I don’t really believe that I fit in with any of the groups I hung around with. In secondary school especially, I was putting on a persona to be liked by the girls and to be like them, so that I would be seen as part of their crowd. I was lost. I didn’t know who I was at all. I liked these girls and wanted them to like me, which I think they did. And I absolutely loved being part of that group. Many of us still speak now over 15 years later. I’m not saying I regret it in any way, I just wasn't aware that I was doing it until I witnessed my daughter doing the same. I suppose I’ve been seeking approval and validation all my life. The fear of rejection has always been there too. I’ve been rejected so many times when I have been trying to be who I think people want me to be, instead of just being myself. If they reject me for being me, then they don’t deserve to be part of my life anyway. That’s what I’m now trying to teach Ayla. As I’m writing this I’m realising that this is the same theme I have just been working on with a group of girls at a high school I work in. At what point in life do we truly know who we are? When do we stop trying to fit in and just be?

Steph and I had just been saying 7 days before that I hadn't had any shit being brought up for a while… aye, thanks Universe! But all jokes aside, I needed it. We all need it. We need to be shown our shit to be able to release it and move forward, to become the person that we truly are! So I’m working on it now, trying to understand and accept why I feel the need to ‘be seen and liked’ so much. Hopefully it’s an easy one and is ready to be released (who am I kidding?).

After 2 days of feeling the feels, it was time for our '‘Intuitive & Spiritual Development Workshop’ and OMG it was friggin amazing!!! I am still on a high every time I think about it. Beaming from ear to ear just now because I just mentioned it. This workshop was developed in January 2020, we advertised it and sold out 3 dates in less than a week. We were so excited for it, bringing both of our skills and experiences together to help other people on this same journey. Then bloody Covid-19 decided it was coming to the UK and fucked up all our plans along with everyone else's! So 15 months later it was finally born into existence!

Steph and I are by no means gurus, spiritual teachers, nothing like that. All we want to do is share our own journeys, show others what we have learned along the way and support people who are ready to awaken. The day just flowed. It was perfect in our eyes. We bounced off each other and it just worked. Holding space for they beautiful people and allowing them to dip into that magical world was just incredible. Afterward, as we walked to our cars we were just like “Wtf has just happened? Like, how have we just done that? How is this our lives right now!”. Cloud nine is the only way to describe it. Feedback has been great so far and we cannot wait for the next date in July. We are both aware that this is right, it FEELS right. We have no idea where it’s going or where it will take us, but we’re trusting. I’m trying not to go into my usual ‘control mode’ and plan way ahead (I did try, within like an hour of the workshop, but Steph kicked my arse and told me to stop every time I did attempt it) because doing that could fuck it all up and take it in the completely wrong direction! Leaving this one to you Universe…

So the moral of this story? We all have rollercoaster weeks. We have got to take the good with the bad and the bad with the damn right ugly. We gotta face the shit and allow the good to come!


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