Doesn’t it suck when you can’t help people? Especially those who you love. I’ve had a couple of friends going through shitty situations this week and it’s absolutely breaking me that I can’t help them!
I know that one of my “needs” is to fix people. An unmet need of my own no doubt, so I try to fulfil it by fixing others. I’m very aware now that I cannot in fact “fix” anyone, but I always do my best to try and help them. This week however, there have just been situations that I can’t help anyone. Things that are way out of everyone's control.
Who else is a fixer? Always trying to fix everyone else's problems. I’m sure there is a huge gang of us out there, The Fixers, kinda got a ring to it! You might not even know that you do it. I mean I am very aware of it, it’s a bit obvious with the line of work I now do. But even when I was a hairdresser, I was always either acting like a therapist while doing a client’s hair or I was literally fixing a bad colour job that someone else had done. I am just a fixer. People say it’s a bad thing, that it means you don’t want to deal with your own stuff. So instead of facing your shit, you throw yourself into helping everyone else.
I do face my shit. I face it daily. I work hard on my own stuff, yet I still want to help people. I still want to give my opinion or advice when someone comes to me upset, angry or scared. Obviously with my coaching job I am paid to do that and also as an agony aunt people come to me for guidance, but I just want to help people. Maybe there is something deeper in there that I haven’t found or released yet, but I genuinely believe that some of us are on this planet, in this lifetime, to help others…
I’m still figuring it out, but I am beginning to believe that I am one of those people. So when I know that nothing I say or do is going to help someone, I struggle with that. I kind of just shut off. Like if nothing I am going to say is going to help then what’s even the point in speaking? I know that’s bullshit, I know it is, but it’s what I do. I’ve pulled away slightly and when the topic gets brought up I become a bit quieter than usual. Right now as I’m writing this there is a chat taking place and I’m shying away from it because I know nothing I say is going to help my friend. She doesn’t actually want my help though and I know that. She just wants to release. She wants to let out those emotions and intrusive thoughts to those she trusts. Why can’t I just be okay with that?
I guess it just feels like sending a little emoji or saying “hope you’re okay” isn’t enough. Really though, it probably is enough. They probably just want to know that you are there and that you are listening to them. That you see them! I want to be better at just “seeing” people. I want to be better at just holding space, without intervening. I want to be better.
Fellow fixers! Let me know how you feel about the above or how you actually deal with not being able to help everyone that comes to you.