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  • Writer's pictureToni

There She Grows

I’ve spent the last 4 years of my life trying to better myself every single day. Trying to only compare myself to the person I was yesterday, and doing the best I can to be better than she was.

It’s been a tough slog and I don’t believe that will change anytime soon. Growth is difficult. It’s painful, exhausting, emotional and surprising to say the least. But is by all means worth it! I couldn’t imagine not living my life this way now. I dread to think how low of a place I would be in if I hadn’t listened to my soul back in 2017.

I ran on autopilot every day. I ran on empty every day. What way is that to live? Many of us do it; get up, go to work, deal with shit all day, come home, eat, watch television, go to sleep and repeat. It's like groundhog day. Surely at some point you think “there has got to be more to life than this?”. That’s what I thought to myself, there has got to be more. And there is!

First thing I done was look at what was weighing me down and causing me the most stress. Easy, the place that I spent 90% of my time; the salon that I owned. Could I make changes to ease the stress? No. I had tried many of times before and things would be good for a few weeks, then another obstacle would be placed in front of me. There were so many thrown at me, I honestly couldn’t count them. Now looking back, I know that’s because I was being shown that it wasn’t right for me, but at the time when I was living it I just thought that was the norm when running a business. Surely every business owner experiences these highs and lows? The issue was it was mostly lows. I knew something had to give and after trying everything I could, it was the salon. I had to let it go. One of the most difficult things I have ever had to do and a huge learning experience for sure, but it was 100% the right decision. That was when shifts began to take place and things slowly started getting better.

For the first time in my life I let go of control, I went with the flow and trusted that I would go where I was supposed to go. Learning meditation was key to this. If I hadn’t been meditating regularly I don’t think any of the above would have happened. It literally changed my life. I didn’t close the salon and say I’m going to change career and be a coach. I left that salon to do hair from home, on my own and make some decent money for a change while choosing my own hours and being able to spend more time with my kids. Did that happen? Yes, for a while. But situations came about, opportunities came my way and I allowed my intuition to lead me down a new path. I resisted for a while, changing little bits at a time. Letting go of some hair clients, but keeping some on while I studied and learned. Eventually I realised that every time I let something go, something else, something better would come my way.

You know that saying “When one door closes, another door opens”, well it’s true! I am the biggest believer of this. Even now, to this day, when I know something isn’t working for me anymore and I consciously make the decision to let it go, shut it down or cut it off, a fantastic opportunity comes my way. Things that I actually want to be doing. Things that bring me joy. Things that fulfil me. The Universe just knows, and wow do they deliver! It’s not as easy as it sounds though. To figure out that something isn’t working for me or that I’m drifting from a person or situation, I have to go through the darkness. This is the tough bit. I journal daily. I let my thoughts and feelings out onto paper, and it’s in reading this back that I see what’s going on. I can pin point what thoughts are occurring when I am feeling a certain way and I can then link it to the person or situation that’s causing these emotions.

Journaling is a life changer. I suppose it’s like keeping a diary, I basically just word vomit on the paper each night. I call it a “Mind Dump”. Grab a pen and paper or notebook and just start writing, without thinking. Sometimes it’s random words, other times it’s a little story, but the important thing with this ‘mind dump’ is that you are releasing what is on your mind. You’re not suppressing it. You’re not pretending it’s not there. You’re acknowledging it and letting it out. It’s as good as going to speak to someone about everything that’s going through your head. Once I am aware of the links and the causes, I then take to my spiritual practices to help me decide my course of action.

I speak to my guides, angels and ancestors on a daily basis. I ask them for guidance on situations, help with any decisions that I have to make and support once I do take action. They give me signs so that I know which road to take. I believe that this is me connecting with Source and trust that everything will be for my highest and best. Sometimes I need that extra reassurance so I’ll pull some cards or ask my pendulum to confirm my choices. Divination tools are my crutch. They never let me down. This not only helps strengthen my intuition, but also lets me connect with my higher self. And she always knows best!

The time then comes to enforce the decisions that I have made. The horrible part. The part that can hurt me and sometimes hurt others. At the end of the day, you cannot live your life trying to make everyone else happy while you yourself are suffering. I am never nasty. I try my best to approach everything from a place of compassion and kindness. It’s the way forward. I have a huge belief about letting people down, one that is very hard to shift, but through taking these little steps each time something isn’t sitting right for me, it is slowly breaking that belief down. One day soon it will be gone and I’ll know that I’m never letting anyone down by choosing what is right for me.

My personal growth over the past 4 years has been crazy. I often text my friend and say “How is this my life now!” because I truly can’t believe how well things flow. Yes I still have down days, shit times and obstacles thrown at me. But I welcome them all. They are all part of my growth. They are all part of making me that better version of myself. I’m told regularly that I am glowing and do you know what, I feel it!

I hope that in reading this it inspires you to try and be better every day too.


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