As if the Super Full Moon Lunar Eclipse wasn’t enough for my sensitive energy this week, I took my period (in sync with the moon obvs), started back work and I have had to deal with one of the worst things that anyone can face in life… watching a loved one pass over.
Honestly, what a fucking week! And btw, as I’m writing this, it’s only Thursday. I’m sure a few more things will be flung my way, cause that’s how the Universe likes to work. Oh I forgot about Mercury retrograde, that will be upon us on Saturday. But, to be fair, the shadow period will have been affecting us for the past couple of weeks. If you’ve not been communicating well, technology falling apart around you or wires have been crossed with people that's probably why.
I am drained. That’s the only way I can describe it. Everything comes at the one time doesn’t it? Fuck me. I’ve been here before, I’ve lost grandparents, 3 to be exact. Well 3 that I was old enough to remember them passing. It’s difficult. It’s heartbreaking losing them and it’s horrible watching your parents and other loved ones break because of it.
This time around has been different. My Grandma Gwen hasn’t been well for a while and to be honest with you, I have been expecting this for a long time, but she is a wee fighter and kept bouncing back every time it got rough! My dad got the dreaded call on Saturday morning from the Consultant telling him that this was it. He wasn't sure how long it would be, but she was ready to leave us and there would be nothing more they could do for her without causing her pain and discomfort. So, as I was curling my hair for my daughter’s friend’s First Holy Communion he phoned and gave me the sad news. Thanks to the current situation the world is in I haven’t seen my Grandma in person since August. How shit is that? It just wasn’t worth the risk of passing anything to her when she was so unwell. I was instantly filled with guilt. “She is passing away and I haven’t even made the effort to see her in over 9 months!” - pretty much how the conversation with myself began in my head. It’s still there to be fair. No matter what anyone says about restrictions, lockdowns, shielding, etc. I could have went to see her. You all know me by now, I work on my shit as it comes up, so I’m working on it. But got to be real and open on here, the guilt is strong!
I straight away got the number for the hospital and gave them a call. She's in the RAH in Paisley because she is from Loch Lomond (also why it’s not easy to pop along and visit anytime). They told me that it’s only one visitor allowed in just now due to restrictions, but because of the circumstances two of us could go up at a time. I went straight up, plans dropped of course and off I went. I’m not going to go into details, but it’s been a really horrible, shitty experience. Of course it’s going to be watching someone die, but there’s just something not sitting right with me about it all. I know most of my family agree because of the conversations we have had over the past 5 days, I just can’t believe how inhumane our medical system is. My poor Gwennie is still clinging on, I don’t have a clue why, but she is holding on for dear life and won’t cross over. Since Saturday we have had to sit by her side and watch her deteriorate, slowly and painfully. Up until yesterday she hadn’t even had the end of life medication that we found out she should have been given on Saturday. She has literally been left to lie there and die.
On that note, the team of doctors and nurses that have been supporting her have been great. They have kept her as comfortable as possible and done everything that they legally can to help the process which I can’t thank them enough for. But how hard and draining must it be for them to watch this with so many people, on a daily basis!
Now I know this happens to hundreds and thousands of people every single day, but now that I have witnessed it first hand, I’m sorry, it’s not okay. Why do our country believe that if an animal is ill or suffering it’s good to put them to sleep and assist them in leaving us, but it’s not okay to do that for a human being? We have to lie there and physically suffer, scream in pain and just ride it out. How is that acceptable? I should have probably researched more on the subject before I wrote this and I will afterwards as there is no way I want to watch anyone else be treated so cruelly and suffer like this in the future. Euthanasia, when a doctor or someone other than the individual takes active steps to end someone’s life, to stop their suffering, is legal in other countries; Netherlands, Belgium, Luxembourg, Canada and Colombia to name a few. So why is it illegal here? Why can you face a murder charge and up to 14 years in prison for helping someone that you love and care about pass away peacefully?
I’m very aware that there are horrible people out there who would actually kill people when they weren’t ready to die or when they wouldn't have chose this way, but surely there could be something in place to allow people to have the choice. The way we have the choice of a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate), why can we not have that for Euthanasia? I know from the bottom of my heart that my Grandma will absolutely hate the fact that this is happening to her. She would 100% rather be given a jag and go to sleep. Who wouldn’t? My Grandma is just getting old and her body is starting to fail her, but what about all of the terminally ill people out there who know they are going to be in this position one day? They should have the right to make that choice. We went through the same with my Grandad (her husband) when he was dying from cancer. If he had been given the choice, without someone facing a lifetime in jail, I know what he would have chosen!
As I type this, she is still here, still holding on. It’s difficult for me because of my beliefs. I’ve sat there and had words with her, I don’t know if she can here me because she is heavily sedated now, but I think she can. I’ve told her to let go, in fact I’ve begged her too. I’ve also begged my Grandad who’s in spirit to come and get her. I don’t understand what she is waiting for and why she is putting herself through this. We all go when we’re supposed to right? Maybe this is happening so that we are more aware of the cruel system that is in place for people who are at the end of their life. She could just be waiting on us all leaving her alone and not sitting by her side to then slip away. I don’t know. But what I do know is it’s not okay and it’s not right.
This country, our Government, are allowing so many people to suffer unnecessarily. It’s vile. I know a new bill is tabled in the House of Lords, heading towards a debate in Parliament on the issue and I just hope that the members of parliament think seriously about this. If everyone just thought to themselves, “how would I feel if this was me or one of my loved ones in this position?”, then maybe the law would be changed. I have my own thoughts on why they won’t legalise it, but I don’t really want to get into that. I’m sure most of you will have the same thoughts!
This blog might ruffle some feathers and it may upset some people, but I’m sorry, I just don’t agree with what is going on. If someone is on their way out of this life and going to suffer in the process, no matter how long they might have left, I think they should have a choice. To suffer or pass peacefully…
xox